The Oscars And All That Stuff About The Oscars

27 Feb


I didn’t do a top ten list, because fuck that noise… But I’ll talk about the Oscars. Because… That’s what I do.

People who like to think they’re funny make up cute little nicknames. Like: “The Gay Super Bowl” or whatever. (But wait… Isn’t the actual Super Bowl already extremely gay? For obvious reasons?).

And there are still others who like to make a point of reminding everyone about how unimportant the Oscars are and how they are above caring about them; even as they express scorn at how “so and so wasn’t even nominated oh my God fuck those fucking Oscars man!”

But it’s a stupid thing and fuck it and they don’t care.

Well I do care. And I’m not going to pretend it isn’t exciting and interesting and, yes, even a little fun to talk about what movies got nominated and why and all that. So, that’s what we’re going to do.

One thing I want to get out of the way up front is I think this whole thing about increasing the nominations is ridiculous. They claim it’s a good way for smaller movies to get some attention and acclaim; and on some level that’s valid. But it also means a hell of a whole lot of shit that doesn’t have any business being nominated for Best Picture ends up on the list, throws things off balance (because there are still only five nominations for everything else) and just doesn’t feel very satisfying. It was much more interesting when they had to narrow it down to five movies. Sure, you’d still get some stuff on there that was like: Really? Chariots of Fire? But, in general, it just felt more precious… If that makes any sense.

Now, we live in a world where EVERYTHING IS NOMINATED and, well, it just feels a bit rote and uneventful.

But, in any case, this is the world we live in (oh-ohhhhh-oh) and so here we have 9 films (of varying degrees of quality) and one of them will be the Best Picture of 2013 and let’s get on with it.

And, wouldn’t you know? Some stuff still slips through the cracks.

Anyway… I thought we could go through this thing, in alphabetical order (sort of) and debate on what was nominated, what should win and what probably will win.

I took the time, over the last few weeks, to actually view every single one of the nominated films. So, here we go…


I thought it was fine.

Look, here’s the thing… There was a time when David O Russell was out there making cutting-edge, interesting films.

He came out of the gate swinging like the sixties… He made a movie in which a young man fucks his own mother, called Spanking the Monkey, which was just a really fucked up movie and you watch it and go: who the hell is the crazy bastard who made this thing?

And that’s great. That’s what I want from the movies. They have the power to entertain and transport us to magical worlds and blow us away with spectacle, but they also have the power to be really interesting, transgressive works that make you sit up and take notice of the world around you.

Russell was making films like that. I didn’t like it, but I Heart Huckabees was admittedly the same kind of thing… Just a weird, one-of-a-kind movie that made you take the art of cinema into consideration as something more than two hours in darkness with greasy processed snack food on your lap.

He could even take the form of populist entertainment (the action film or the comedy, for instance) and use it to communicate engaging, compelling sociological ideas. Which is how you ended up with superior entertainment such as Flirting With Disaster or Three Kings.

So, what the hell happened?

He got plenty of acclaim for all these movies I’ve been talking about. He even got some decent commercial success with Three Kings.

But no awards show recognition.

Then, along comes Silver Linings Playbook and now this. Two exceedingly safe movies with good acting, slick production value… And all the necessary Miramax-approved requirements to win awards.

That’s really the problem I had with American Hustle… No balls. And, also, and this is a real problem, no story. I have no idea what this movie is about. There seems to be a plot involving a large-scale scam with a politician in Camden, NJ and a pair of assholes who want to dupe him into making a shady deal with a fake Arab sheik.

There’s definitely the material there for a great movie. And I suppose these are, in theory, interesting characters. Christian Bale with his hilarious hairdo, Amy Adams with her tits hanging out… Bradley Cooper with curlers in his hair… Jennifer Lawrence playing a fucking bitch. And that’s all it is: Wacky Characters. It’s a sitcom, basically, in the guise of a rich and important period piece.

And maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s what Russell wanted. He’s gone on record saying that he cares more about character than plot. That’s why he allowed Bale and Lawrence and Cooper and Adams to improvise so often…and so brilliantly.

He cares about character. He cares about acting.

But I didn’t care about these people. They’re all a bunch of unlikable cunts. The movie has only one likable character. The genuinely decent politician played wonderfully by Jeremy Renner. And it spends the entire running time of the movie destroying his life. It might have been part of the point, but I didn’t enjoy watching that happen.

I also don’t think I enjoyed watching Bradley Cooper beat the shit out of Louis CK as much as the movie seemed to think I would. I mean, I suppose it’s kind of inherently funny to see something like that happen but, really, what it was – it was ugly. And I didn’t like it.

Does it deserve its nominations? Probably, yeah. Christian Bale does some wonderful acting here. It’s a nice, rich character that gives him ample opportunity to be unglamorous and show off his chops.

Let’s face it, the acting is great. I’m rooting for others, as you will soon discover, but these people all do a fine job.

Even Jennifer Lawrence does fine, though she’s been sorely miscast. I mean, she has lost none of her ability to emote convincingly and she sure studied up with her dialect coach to get that accent just right… But I think my big problem is the part called for someone older. Because there’s only so much even the most talented people can do. Lawrence simply lacked the gravitas needed for the character she was playing. Maybe she and Adams should have switched roles. That might have worked.

In a recent interview, Lawrence expressed concern at an impending backlash. It makes sense. She’s a wonderful actress with great energy, but she is just showing up too fucking much. If it isn’t some big blockbuster like Hunger Games or X-Men Episode 27, she shows up plastered all over awards season.

She could use to do a few less movies. You know… Say “no” once in a while. Might do her some good.

Anyway… I didn’t believe Jennifer Lawrence.

And I didn’t believe this movie.

On we go…


A terrific movie.

And for all the right reasons. Taut, intelligent writing… Excellent directing. Top notch acting. Tom Hanks does some of the most powerful work of his entire career. There are some harrowing moments, especially toward the end, where he makes you feel every ounce of his emotions. It’s an exhilarating experience.

There have been some criticisms leveled at this film. Something having to do with journalistic accuracy, which – in my opinion – is completely irrelevant to dramatic, genre filmmaking. Paul Greengrass may have cut his teeth on political documentaries; and that has definitely informed the films he chooses to make, as well as his style. But, let’s face it, this is not a documentary. And that’s just fine.

This is a thriller… And a damn fine one at that. The pacing is wonderful… How it sets things up so cleanly, with Hanks getting up in the morning, driving to the airport with his wife… Great way to set up who this man is with almost no exposition. His interaction with the crew, he’s a no-bullshit ball-buster. Great stuff… And the suspense leading up to the attack.

The attention to authenticity and naturalism is reminiscent of the great 70s thrillers like The French Connection and Dog Day Afternoon.

And I also like how there is enough care to portray the pirate villains realistically. Not as mustache-twirling thugs but as working class individuals, victims of the bureaucracy that governs their way of life. It adds unexpectedly poignant layers to an already compelling film.

He won’t get it, but it would be kind of nice to see Barkhad Abdi get the Supporting Actor award. It’s such a cool, natural performance… And probably the last time this man ever gets nominated.

The Oscars always like to throw in their populist entertainments together with their prestige films when nomination time comes around… Now, with this stupid-long list of films, they can throw in more of those than usual. And so, there is another tight thriller also nominated this year.

But, for my money, if you’re gonna give the gold to a thriller, this is the one worth awarding.

It won’t win though.



Good movie. No shit.

But come on guys…

I think this is a compelling story. And I also think the FDA is an evil piece of shit run by hideous, grotesque people devoid of any humanity, a conscience or a soul. So it’s nice that there can be movies like this one, which strive to show just how awful that all is and so on.

But that’s all it is… Just this nice little middle-of-the-road programmer to watch on a balmy evening.

Matthew McConaughey does some good work… A solid, watchable and compelling performance. But I can’t help but think that people are just generally impressed that he went and lost all that fucking weight. That’s what gets to people. A physical transformation as stunning as this is hard not to make you stand up and notice.

But is that fair? For my money, McConaughey has already done fine work, equal and maybe even better than this, in other movies. Wooderson is one of the great film characters of all time and guess what? No nomination. People didn’t have any idea who the hell he even was back then. This was before he made that Grisham movie and Sandra Bullock had sex with him and they tried to make him THE NEXT BEST THING: A FILM BY JOHN SCHLESINGER…

I think people are noticing him now because he finally stopped making stupid fucking films with Kate Hudson and started making some real movies. And he’s on TV with this show that everyone says is great, which is a real how about that kind of humdinger isn’t it?

Was that conceivable even five years ago? That an an Academy Award nominated actor starring in current big films could also be the star of a fucking TV show? I mean, Hill Street Blues was a critically acclaimed bunch of television too, but there was no way Daniel J. Travanti was going to be getting Oscar heat back in the day…

How times have changed.

But anyway, McConaughey is the shit right now and that’s why he’s getting this. He might even win. And, if he does, it will be because of all that heat and not to do specifically with any real fireworks generated by this performance. I mean, even with about 2 hours less of screen time, in those two little scenes he gets in The Wolf of Wall Street, I thought he did more dynamic and interesting work.

Same thing with Jared Leto. It’s: “Oh my God what a convincing drag queen he makes,” rather than what a terrific performance. Don’t get me wrong… It’s fine. He’s very good in the role.

But you know who else is really good? Jennifer Garner.

The co-star does some very affecting, good, solid work here in the straight role – basically – to the two showoffs. Something that, in my view, is a lot harder than it looks and often the key to making a movie work. So, where’s her nomination for this great work? Would she have had to gain 70 pounds? Or play a man or something?

All I’m saying is, this movie is getting a lot of attention because Matt McConaughey stopped eating for a couple of months.

That’s fine and all… And it’s not a bad movie. But I don’t know that this standard, TV drama deserves all this hoopla.



And on the third day, apparently, Alfonso Cuaron invented cinema.

Again… Good stuff.

This is a wonderful theme park ride. Especially if you went and put on the glasses and let the “oohs” and “aahs” carry the day.

It’s 90 minutes of pure suspense and emotion. I was on the edge of my seat as the intensity was dialed up to level 15 and the camera started swirling…and the stuff started flying at the screen, and the noise and the screaming… And I even got motion sickness and it was great.

In some ways, I guess you could call this one the most cinematic of the bunch. It’s certainly “pure cinema” in the Hitchcock sense. Images speaking louder than words, intense, visceral emotions being evoked by the experience of sitting in a darkened theater…

It’s a great ride. And that’s good. That’s what I want from a lot of movies, to be taken on a trip. It’s just… There’s no story here.

And that’s something else I often go to the movies for: a captivating tale that tells me something about the human experience. It’s certainly the sort of thing I would expect from a Best Picture. And it’s why I’m glad that nominated films I think are wonderful entertainments, like The Fugitive and Raiders of the Lost Ark, didn’t win in the past. It could be debatable that what did win on the years in question might have not been worthy either (coughchariotsofirecough). But I like my entertainments to be separate from my prestige films. I don’t know that this argument makes a lot of sense, because it probably doesn’t but that’s just how I feel. There are cases where the two can meet… Contrary to what you may think The Silence of the Lambs probably is one of the few times that Oscar got it 100% right and that was a popular entertainment as well.

So, what’s different here? There’s no meat. I think Alfonso Cuaron and company think they’re saying something existential about loneliness and perseverance; and I suppose there is some of that, sure, but it just isn’t enough for me – sorry. Sandra Bullock floating around, and Sandra Bullock dodging chunks of debris, and Sandra Bullock screaming, and Sandra Bullock crying is not much of a movie.

It’s a lot of fun, sure. And if you’re going to give her the acting award, please do. She fucking deserves it. She has to carry 90 minutes entirely on her lovely shoulders and she rises to the task and delivers… She carries the movie. With the help of some stunning special effects, she makes you believe.

So give it to her. And while you’re at it, give them cinematography and visual effects and sound effects editing and sound mixing (no I’m not sure how to explain the difference between those two either I just know they’re different) and every single technical award under the sun.

Just don’t give it Best Picture.

They probably will though. These people are just really fucking impressed with the film. Because it feels groundbreaking. It isn’t, really. It might have some splendid “how the living fuck did they do that” special effects; but it doesn’t break new ground in storytelling (there is no story, so how could it?) or cinematic technique.

But people are impressed. A close personal friend of mine (who I will not name for reasons that are about to become as clear as Crystal Pepsi) said, after seeing it – and you’d better believe this is a direct word for word quote – “This is the best movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

I’m sure someone out there might agree with him.



And sometimes there is a story…

It’s just not a very interesting one.

Don’t get me wrong, I think this is a nice little movie. Alexander Payne has a knack for observing the specificities and idiosyncrasies of people and he always does it in truthful and often funny ways.

But, the thing is, this movie is…well…it’s kind of a little bit boring, you know?

That’s the thing.

It’s funny…but not funny enough.

It’s quirky…but not quirky enough.

It’s nicely textured…but you get the idea.

Acting’s good. Payne went out there to Nebraska and he did the whole neo-realism thing and he got some very memorable bits out of the common clay of the land. And then there’s the acting from the seasoned pros headlining the thing. People are going to talk about how “refreshing” and “interesting” and “different” it is to see TV’s Will Forte and TV’s Bob Odenkerk in these low key, dramatic roles as opposed to the comedic work they’ve become known for. But something weird happens there where they’re so muted, Payne directed them to strip their performances of anything resembling character and personality, that – like the movie – the two guys are just kind of…there. And that’s it.

Bruce Dern is most certainly wonderful, though. And this is a great character for him. If McConaughey doesn’t get the award, there’s a good chance it will go to this guy right here and I hope it does. Because, you know, the guy is really fucking old and maybe we ought to give him one…especially since he clearly deserves it.

I’ve called the movie boring, because it is. And I’ve said it isn’t really very interesting, because it isn’t. But that doesn’t apply to Bruce Dern. He creates a vivid, and very real human being who really might not be all that removed from who he actually is in real life and it feels very truthful. There are many reasons why he got this nomination, but I’m only going to focus on one:

About half-way through this meandering movie, as Forte and Dern are doing their thing in Lincoln, Dern’s wife (June Squibb in an equally wonderful performance) comes to join them; and they go visit Dern’s dead relatives at the local cemetery. At which point she goes into a long monologue about the dead relatives and what horrible people they were, always making a point to highlight that Dern doesn’t even know what’s going on half the time so it doesn’t matter what she says anyway; meanwhile she’s talking about that time his dead brother tried to get in her pants and he did nothing about it because he is and always was a useless jerk…

Watch Dern in this scene. He doesn’t say a word. He simply stands there… We read it in his eyes. He knows damn well what’s going on and he knows exactly what she’s saying…and it’s heartbreaking.

That is some master class, amazing film acting going on right there. So, please do give the Academy Award for Best Actor to the wonderful Bruce Dern, who has been around for years and he’s always been wonderful and it’s time people recognized that.

June Squibb comes close to stealing the movie once she gets going, so good call on that one. But I also loved the delightful (and not nominated) Stacey Keach, who does something so awesome here in his brief time on screen that it’s almost indescribable how fucking good he is.

That’s the thing… There’s lots of great stuff in here and you just know if it had just a little bit more it would be so much better than it actually is.

Because it’s good…but not good enough.



And holy shit did I not expect to be so completely blown away by this fucking movie.

Because I didn’t know anything about it. And of the nominated films, it is the one I was least interested in seeing.

Because, come on, you saw that poster, right? England’s Premier Old Dingbat and Steve Coogan sitting on a bench. Looks wonderful.

Well, guess what? It fucking was.

About 175 paragraphs ago, I said something about liking movies that move me and tell me a little something about the human experience and bla bla bla, right? I talked about the importance of story and etceteras.

This is a great, compelling, heartbreaking true story. And it is so expertly told. Stephen Frears has long been one of the UK stalwarts, delivering one pretentious prestige picture after another but always doing so reliably, and with efficiency.

Well, this just might be one of his best films it’s so good… And so direct… And so simple.

I want to stress that this simplicity is key to the film’s success. Because, with the exception of Gravity, there is one thing that all the nominees have in common.

Namely: They’re long.

Captain Phillips gets away with it because Paul Greengrass is such an excellent action director and the pacing is so razor sharp, it feels like it goes by in a flash… I think Nebraska runs at just under two hours; but the meandering nature of that story plus the old school neo realist pacing makes it feel like it goes on for seventy years.

Well… My girl Philomena gets the job done in just ninety-five minutes.

And it gets the job done, you dig? This is a great film. Captivating, warm, human, funny… Deeply moving, makes you cry… All that good stuff.

Steve Coogan and Jeff Pope do a splendid job adapting Martin Sixsmith’s book into a witty screenplay full of character and wonderful, unexpected twists. It uses a now standard road movie convention to take you on a genuine (and genuinely rewarding) journey. You probably won’t be giving this one too many awards, but please give them the adapted screenplay Oscar. At the very least, it deserves that. Some stiff competition in this category… People really do love that movie about the Slave… And Before Midnight which cheated its way into this category because the original slots had already been filled. Because I had no idea Before Midnight counted as an adaptation. Because, apparently, since it’s the third film in a series, it’s adapted (by Richard Linklater et al) FROM THEIR OWN FUCKING SCREENPLAYS FOR THE OTHER TWO MOVIES…I mean, please suck my DICK if that actually makes sense.

But anyway… I think I’m just oozing with love for Philomena and kind of pissed because I know it isn’t going to get anything…

I mean, at least consider giving Her Esteemed Majesty And Your Duchess The Dame Judi Dench… A much deserved award for her incredible work here. It’s a marvelous, human character and a wonderful performance for an actress who is much better than the material she is usually given. I know you’re probably going to give it to Cate Blanchett for her depressing cunt role in Woody Allen’s depressing film; or Sandra Bullock for Alfonso Cuaron’s Cinema: The Reinvention of Cinema

But think about giving it to Dench.

And I’m going to talk about my absolute favorite of the nominees in a minute. But, honestly, I would not be sad to live in a world where a wonderful, understated and just purely affecting little movie like Philomena actually wins awards.



And then you have this movie, which is a powerful human document being given the Junior High Assembly treatment.

I think either I don’t get Steve McQueen or Steve McQueen doesn’t get me. It’s one or the other because it can’t be both.

I wasn’t all that taken with his last movie – Shame – because it was difficult for me to sympathize with or be moved by the plight of a sex addict that looked like Michael Fassbender. (And there were other issues but whatever it’s old news).

And now there’s this.

A very respectable effort.

Solomon Northup’s story is extremely compelling. And it’s valid to want to use that as a vessel to communicate potent ideas about the horrendous crime against humanity that was slavery in the American South.

I just don’t know that we needed something quite so on the nose and stodgy. I had problems with the film’s theatricality for one… Chiwetel Ejiofor is fantastic. He does heart-rending, dramatic work in this film… You feel his pain like Bill Clinton felt ours.

The rest of the cast is, frankly, not as good as he is.

It’s not so much that they’re bad.

Well… Some of them are. An actress named Adepero Odoye appears early on as a slave separated from her children. A terrible injustice, yes. But her line deliveries are so rehearsed and stiff – unable to overcome the stateliness already present in the writing – that for a minute you forget you’re watching a film… It feels like you’re watching your little cousin in her school play for history class.

Which is kind of how the whole movie feels, frankly. It feels stiff and calculated. The gut punch so inherent in the subject matter is diluted because the movie really doesn’t have any teeth.

But of course this film is being widely praised because to do so is to recognize its importance.

And I agree… This is important subject matter and I fully support school libraries being stocked with copies of this film so they may be shown to students as they learn about America’s tragic past.

But I don’t go to the movies for history lessons.

And, come on, how terrible is Brad Pitt in this? Please tell me you agree he was awful. Forget that his character is inexplicable. He’s got about two scenes. Two horrible on-the-nose scenes that an already overtly careful film doesn’t need. Sure, I don’t like that he’s, basically, a flesh-and-blood Deus Ex Machina who swoops in to end the movie. But I suppose the truth of this story inevitably led to such an anti-climax…

No. I was particularly annoyed by an earlier scene in which this righteous Canadian man tells the evil American southerner played by Michael Fassbender that slavery is wrong and one day there will come a reckoning and all the whites who are like Fassbender will have to face the reality of the evil they have committed.

Really? That’s how you’re going to play this, Steve McQueen?

“Slavery is wrong”

Thank you for that.

So, anyway… I like the values this film stands for. I like that there is a glossy handsomely produced major motion picture that portrays the reality of this subject matter for a mass audience.

But it’s condescending to reward a movie for only that reason. Given the subject matter, this movie really should feel more powerful… More resonant. I dunno.

I remember back when I first saw Cry Freedom as a kid who knew nothing about Steven Biko or that whole awful mess… How revelatory it felt and how moved I was. And I suppose there are kids now who will be very shaken and moved by this prestigious film that exclaims how “slavery is wrong.” And I’m glad it can make them feel those things.

But I wanted it to make me feel a lot more than I did. The power of the story exceeds the film’s actual grasp because McQueen seems to hold back for the sake of the prestige.



I’ll say it up front: This movie is just too fucking long.

On the one hand, it’s invigorating and rather inspiring to see Martin Scorsese do this. To use the Goodfellas template and show the enthusiasm of a young filmmaker as he orchestrates this mayhem… This odd hybrid that is part journalistic expose and also a raunchy sex comedy.

But, frankly, as entertained as I was – and yeah this movie is really very entertaining – it was just too much. It’s in your face and relentless…and exhausting.

Fuckin’ Leo DiCaprio and the douchebag Lawn Guyland accent and the smirk and the constant fucking and snorting coke and popping ‘ludes and Jonah Hill and the Lawn Guyland and the teeth and the glasses and YOU SEE HIS DICK and the fucking and the snorting of the coke and the hookers and the tits and the soundtrack and they go to Switzerland and the guy from The Artist and DiCaprio and jerking off in public and DiCaprio and how he fucks his hot wife constantly and the money and the yacht and the hot babes and Kyle Chandler and the music and the nineties and the fashion and they’re all a bunch of fucking evil money-grubbing douchebags and the coke and the booze and the fucking and the ‘ludes.

So, it’s just a little bit too much and I don’t know that it needed to go on and on for three ungodly hours.

I mean, there is definitely some wonderful stuff here and, as I said, this is not without entertainment value. But it’s just too long and too much.

DiCaprio does some great work. One extended sequence involving the unfortunate effects of quaaludes on the human psyche and one’s motor functions displays a keen gift for physical comedy to rival Peter Sellers.

And if anyone deserves to take home the Best Supporting Actor award, it’s Jonah Hill. Man… What a fantastic performance this guy gives. I didn’t get the Moneyball nomination. It was like: “Oh here’s a kid who’s always done comedies and here he is in a low key role in a movie that isn’t funny so let’s nominate him because I didn’t know comedians could not be funny and just act natural and that’s amazing”

But, this time? Richly deserved. Hill creates an honest to God real character who thunders his way through the film…and you remember him. He stays with you. It’s great film acting.

The movie is great too. Sure it is. But, again, too much. Three hours is way too much time to spend in the company of such repellent, horrible human beings. No matter how entertaining they may be.



And I saved this one for last for the obvious reason that it’s my favorite of the bunch.

I had an interesting experience as I watched all the Best Picture nominees… Gravity, American Hustle, Dallas Buyers Club... Nothing was really getting me. The films were…fine, as I’ve said, but I was not getting any special feelings.

Then I saw Her.

There are many great things in this wonderful film. But, you know how I keep saying again and again how I most value films that speak to the human condition?

This is that film, right? Spike Jonze has written a very incisive, intelligent and truthful observation of love and the realities of a relationship. The very real conflicts we all face, with ourselves and others, as we interact with the world around us.

How is it that Joaquin Phoenix wasn’t nominated?

Granted, he would have been up against some formidable competition, but this is probably the warmest and most accessible performance this terrific actor has yet given. There is a rawness here and a baring of the soul, which suggests that the role may hit close to home. Like we may be getting a glimpse of the real man inside. That kind of acting fascinates me.

And how great was Scarlett Johansson? I think this is the best performance she’s ever given and how odd that I can say that – and absolutely mean it – and yet all she is, is a voice.

This is a film about a man falling in love with a machine. But it is never mechanical. These are real emotions and Johansson finds the heart in the machine.

Few films that actually have two flesh and blood people interacting are able to achieve this level of emotion…of real passion.

I also think that Jonze is able to create a very credible world of the future. This is not some dystopian nightmare, but a reality we may very fast be approaching. There is a meticulous attention to details…right down to the fashion of the period. It’s simple and 100% convincing.

The world, its fashion and the technology feels real. It has the lived in quality of the great sci-fi epics like Star Wars or Blade Runner but it’s an intimate, personal story, which gives it a very cool immediacy.

It’s the kind of thing where describing the movie either makes it sound stupid; or you think it’s a remake if Electric Dreams. But they pull it off. They transcend the high concept to present a thought provoking film with depth and resonance.

There’s no way this movie wins.

But I really wish I were wrong.


And there you have it… That’s my rundown.

I think I’ve made it clear who I’m rooting for, but I’d like to close with who I think is actually going to get the prize.

Remember, these are not my “picks,” but who I think will win.

Best Supporting Actor – Jared Leto … Because: Oh look!

Best Supporting Actress – Lupita Nyong’o … Because they love the underdog success stories over there and I think they feel J-Law’s had enough.

Best Actor – Matthew McConaughey … Because: Oh Look 2 – The Return of Oh Look.

Best Actress – Sandra Bullock … Because everyone really loved that movie.

Best Director – Alfonso Cuaron … Because there’s this wonderful new technology called the motion picture, where photographs come to life and he invented it.

Best Picture Gravity

I’m probably wrong about all of these, by the way.

Also… Expect Gravity to take home all the technical awards too, obviously.

And, as for the writing, that’s probably the bone they’re going to throw Spike Jonze… And it could very easily net 12 Years a Slave another award. Because they’re going to want to reward that film in as many ways as they can, short of actually giving it Best Picture – and it doesn’t matter that it’s such a stilted, stodgy script because nobody cares about that.

So, anyway… We’ll talk again on Monday morning, I guess.

Be well.

Oh Christ…

Speak, damn you!

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